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Ball So Hard, But Not Really

Hyped by on January 5, 2013
By Robbie Marbury
ProjectShanks.com
August 17, 2012

We all knew that Jay-Z was part owner of the Brooklyn Nets, and I think most of us knew that he wasn’t a majority owner.  We knew that he only owned a small percent of the team, but until Thursday how many people knew exactly the ownership percentage he had in the Nets?  For those of you that still don’t know the answer to that question, the answer is he owns 0.06%.  Yep, that’s right, that is not a misprint.  Mr. Big Pimpin himself owns a whopping 0.06% of the Brooklyn Nets.  Jigga Man, the dude that has sold over 50 million albums worldwide, owns less than one percent of the Nets, actually less than a tenth of one percent.

Now, before all the groupies come out of the wood works with the “HATER!!!” comments, I want to say that this is not about hating Jay-Z.  I actually like most of his music.  I think he is a very talented individual, and he has earned every penny he has made.  But, he did name his company after John D. Rockefeller, you know, the first ever billionaire, and Jay only owns 0.06% of an NBA team?  Come on.  Has Hov never heard of “go big or go home?”  Do you think Rockefeller owned 0.06% of anything?  No.

Do you realize how small of an amount 0.06% is?

- If you owned 0.06% of my house, you own the toilet seat.  I leave that up most of the time anyway.
– If you owned 0.06% of my car, you own the old french fry stuck between my seat and the center console.  Have at it, homie.
– If you owned 0.06% of my sandwich, you own a crumb of my sandwich.
– If you owned 0.06% of my glass of water, I would dip my finger in the glass, pull my finger out, let most of the water dry or fall back in the glass then I would flick the remaining drop at you.  Hope you’re not thirsty.
– If you owned 0.06% of me, you own my turds.  Not even a big turd, you own one of those little ones that look like rabbit turds.
– If you owned 0.06% of my bed, you would have to sleep standing on one foot, on the tip of your pinkie toe.
– If you owned 0.06% of my day, you own almost 53 seconds of my time.  I could hold my breath the whole time you owned me.
-If you owned 0.06% of my Bible, you own 573 words.  That’s not even one chapter of one book.

I think you get the point, 0.06% is almost nothing.

The Nets have a new arena, the Barclays Center, that has luxury suites you can purchase for Nets games at around $1,500 per game.  You could purchase these luxury seats for every Nets game for the next four years, and you would have spent more than the amount of the Nets that Jay-Z owns.  And you know there is some millionaire in the New York area that has already purchased these suites for this season, and I’m sure they will do it again.  Why would anyone do this, when you could just buy partial ownership of the team?  My house is worth more than what Jay’s ownership is worth, and I’m not rich.  This whole situation cracks me up.

Jay-Z is one of the richest entertainers of all time.  He has more money then I would make in 100 lifetimes, and he owns 0.06% of something.  I mean if you are going to own 0.06% of something, go big, like really, really, really big.  Buy 0.06% of Earth.  Buy 0.06% of the President.  Buy 0.06% of the sun or moon.  Just do something bigger than 0.06% of a mediocre NBA franchise.  And if you own 0.06% of an NBA team, don’t brag about it.  Don’t be in songs talking about getting high-fives from players and tripping referees.  Don’t talk about if Jeezy’s paying LeBron, then your paying Dwyane Wade.  YOU OWN 0.06% OF THE TEAM!!! You can’t even pick the janitor.  They won’t let you pick the toilet paper vendor.  You can’t even vote on if you carry Coke or Pepsi products.  You don’t matter.

The funniest part to me, is that earlier this year Kanye West had a song, ‘Theraflu’ where he suggests that he will have Jay-Z kick Kris Humphries off the Nets team, because Humphries was once married to West’s girlfriend Kim Kardashian.  Jay-Z only owns 0.06% of the team, I think that only entitles him to season tickets, a parking pass and some free popcorn.  I’m not even sure if Jay-Z is even allowed to talk to the players.  Kanye acting like he could get Humprhies kicked off the team would be like me going to McDonald’s, getting a McGang Bang– that’s a McChicken stuffed between the hamburger patties of a McDouble, y’all know the fat guy has food tricks– anyway, that’s like me scarfing down my McGang Bang and then my buddy asking me to fire the cashier.  It doesn’t make sense.  I know West is out there, but c’mon son.  That’s not happening.

The worst part for the Net’s fans is that Jay-Z was suppose to make free agents want to play for the Nets, but two of their best three players were traded for, Deron Williams and Joe Johnson, and Brook Lopez was drafted.  No one is going to play for the Nets, and the fact that Jay owns 0.06% of the team doesn’t mean jack.

All right, I need to stop this, I got things to do. I need to raise my baller status up to Hov’s level.  I’m on my way to Finish Line to get some new Nike’s then I’m going to tell everyone I own Nike.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Follow Robbie on Twitter:  @rmarbury.

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